Good Girl, Bad Girl Drama

I have been to 2 sessions since I last wrote. I expected to have lost at least 10 pounds by now. I might have lost 5, but since I am not using a scale I don't know. If you are trying to lose weight and 4 weeks have gone by and you have lost maybe 5 pounds you would be really upset right? Am I upset. No. Let me tell you why.

What I have noticed is feeling lighter in a total different way. I feel a great deal of guilt and responsibility taken off my shoulders. I never realized before how much anxiety I had every single time I got ready to eat. I was going through this vicious cycle of good girl, bad girl. If I managed to eat "diet" foods, then I was a good girl if I ate fattening foods then I was a bad girl. If I stopped before I over ate then I was a good girl, if I ate till I was stuffed then I was a bad girl. Every single day, the good girl, bad girl drama happened. I was either happy with myself or disappointed with myself. How in the world did I have time to do anything else throughout the day, but that?

I am eating very slowly now, which lets me know when I am full. I am not even trying it just happens. What I could not do consciously, I am able to do subconsciously. Just like driving a car, you just do it without much thought and that is what I am doing now with eating. No wonder I feel so much lighter.

So this morning, I know I won't overeat. The freedom from that makes me feel lighter. I know that the weight will come off. I am eating half as much as I was eating before, so it has to. Knowing that as a fact, frees me from the weight of dieting.

I don't think it's the dieting that you eventually stop, it's the responsibility of doing the dieting that you give up on. I do not have that responsibility now, so I have nothing to rebel against, nothing to fail. Wouldn't that make you feel lighter?

Love thy neighbor like thyself.

Yesterday I went for breakfast with my mom. I had a veggie omelet that I really enjoyed. She was distraught about getting old. She felt she was losing her memory and spacing out. I thought she was going to cry. I understood somewhat as I not so long ago fell very hard and landed on my left arm and had to wear a sling. I felt old and fat because all my fat landed on the one arm causing the damage. 100 pounds less and it would have just been an owie.

It seems her neighbors next to her are driving her crazy. That, too, I understood because my neighbors had filed a law suit against me over the dirt road that I owned. Since they traveled over it, they thought they owned it and could stop me from planting trees or parking there. They even showed up with a piece of paper that the former owner of their house said they owned the property. The Judge laughed and was exasperated at their attorney. In the end, everything remained the same and they had to pay back the court and attorney fees, that amounted in the $40,000. The long 18 months ordeal was over. What I had learned about all that is that you sometimes have to go to get an attorney to protect your rights. I feel that it is all that my mother can do now. I told her I didn't want her to lose years over this like I did, fighting with the neighbors.

I don't know if the stress from it all is causing her to feel out of control. Probably, but the bottom line is you really have no control over anything but yourself and sometimes that is hard. I didn't want to tell her but her complaints about her neighbors were as unfounded and blown out of proportion as the complaints my neighbors made about me. Even if she is right about it all, right doesn't equal happy. You can scream unfair, you can complain about it, but it doesn't make your neighbors stop nor help you lose weight. You have to be in control of you and ignore everyone else. Regardless how others are, you can chose to ignore it or react. It is such a hard thing to do. Think of the last time someone cut in front of you in traffic, you want to mow them down with your car, but you can't, so you get angry and vent instead. Doesn't change anything and maybe you feel a little better about yourself because you can call the other person a jerk, but what if you skipped all that and didn't react t all. What if you ignored it like it never happened. It maybe tough at first but I bet it gets easier and then becomes a habit and you stop reacting. Today as I am driving, I am going to try it out and see if I can't make my quality of life better.

I repeat....slow down!

I haven't written much because I wasn't' doing so good on my eating. It was like my compulsion was easily drowning out Sheba. I wasn't full fledged eating like before, but close. Then last night I went to sleep and I must have hit the repeat button on the CD player because I remember waking up every hour or so and I was still hearing Sheba's voice playing. Finally, I turn it off around 3:00. I wondered if I had damaged my psychy or fixed it. That morning I taught a lesson and then changed my clothes and we went shopping before going out to dinner for our anniversary. I tried on some pants that were a size smaller than what I would normally wear. No guarantee I have lost weight because I am not on a scale and my other clothes seem to be fitting the same. It could be the manufacturer or I am down a 1/2 size as the pants I last bought there were really a 1/2 size bigger. I never got around to eating early and only had coffee, so I was very hungry. I ordered a Filet Mignon and salad and bread and potato and iced tea with Splenda. As I ate, I heard my voice telling me to slow down and enjoy it. When the rest of my meal came, everything tasted wonderful. It all was so good and I ate slowly. Then half way through my steak, I was full. I had so much food left. A lot for me anyway. Half the steak, half the bread, half the potato. I was struggling so hard with eating it all and leaving it. I don't know why I can't leave the food. Why I think I am wasting it by not eating it all, I don't know. No one made me eat that way when I was growing up as a kid, so where did I get this from? I appeased myself, by reminding myself that I could box it up and eat the rest later. We ran some errands and headed home and I didn't have that horrible overate feeling in my stomach. In fact, I felt perfect. I had really enjoyed my meal, didn't over eat and had enough for another meal.

My conclusion that my psychy was not messed up by hearing the tape over and over again. Since it is suppose to work just as well when you are asleep, because it is talking to your sub conscience, I think that two things happened. I couldn't conscientiously resist Sheba's voice as I was asleep, and the repetition was helping me to really get what she was saying. I actually think that it helped me.

No Safe Place

I went to my first group meeting last night. As soon as I got there Sheba told me that she had emailed the people in Spain and they called back and they will be coming to our town to train Sheba in their visual and hypnotherapy work. She was excited. I was not surprised. I mean things happen like this for me all the time, so I don't get excited, but I had enough sense to know that it did not happen to her all the time and then perked up and acted excited for her. Which was true, I was excited for her.

Everyone started coming in, so I sat down in one of the chairs and waited for everything to begin. I put the ear phones in and Sheba dimmed the lights. I tried to control my fidgeting because I didn't want to disturb everyone else. It seemed so funny to me that I was coming her to sleep for 30 minutes. I listened to Sheba's calm voice and after about 5 minutes, I quit scratching myself and started to relax. I knew where I was but I was calm, then I heard Sheba say something about going to my safe place. My face contorted, and my insides screamed, there is no safe place. In my mind, I saw myself running around in circles searching for that safe place, all the time muttering to myself, "where do I go, there's no place to go, I have no safe place." I wanted to jump up and find Sheba and ask her, "What do I do, there is no safe place." I managed to calm myself and pushed the thought out of my mind. I actually began to doze off for a few minutes when I heard a loud boom. I don't know if there actually was one or not, but it startled me awake. I calmed myself down again and it was over.

Afterwards, I asked Sheba if she had time to talk to me. First I wanted to know about the exercise and water. She told me that I would start doing the easy stuff first and the rest would follow. Funny that I chose eating slower and eating veggies and fruit, easier than drinking water. Then I told her what happened to me. She found it very interesting and said that I might have found the key. She told me to make sure I was in a safe place whenever I ate. Funny thing I always thought I felt safe, although I knew whenever I was alone at home, if the doorbell rang or unusual noise outside, I was in a panic trying to figure out what to do about it. It made even more sense why I have German Shepherd dog

But, finding a safe place to eat, is going to be hard, because right now there is no such thing.

Whip Cream and Sour Cream

It was a quiet day and I had some waffles for breakfast this morning without any syrup and coffee. I didn't really remember eating it, but I got so busy I didn't think about food. Then around 2:00 my empty stomach kept bothering me. It wasn't really hungry like growling more like it was empty, just about to start growling. I finally got a baked potato and microwaved it and put cheese, butter, sour cream in it. I would have put more if I had it. During the day, I thought of food but I never did go to the refrigerator. I did open the cubbard a couple of times and heard Sheba's voice and the desire left and I walked away. I ate dinner slowly and left some food on the plate and a whole biscuit which is a big deal for me. I love biscuit's and butter and not eating the left overs was kinda weird. Later on I had some more strawberries with some whipped cream. Let me point out that this is different for me. There is chocolate and Zingers in my cubbard and I am not going for them. I wanted the strawberries and not the chocolate.

Things about me I have noticed:

I have flashes of feeling happy, unexpectedly.

I am sticking up for myself more the last 3 days. For example: My husband asked if he should put the corn on for dinner. I said, we are not eating till 6:00 and he said, 5:00. I said, No, 6:00. I normally would have caved and interrupted my plans and did it. I don't think this was suggested, but maybe it has something to do with the less anxiety suggestion.

I actually am wanting fruits and vegetables over chocolate.

I haven't done any exercising, although it was suggested. I find it funny that isn't working. Oh, and the water one. I am not drinking more water, which was another suggestion. I wonder if that will get better as time goes by. I wonder if the sub conscience can only handle so much at once.

Strawberries Rule, Diets Drool

Today we went to lunch and one thing I noticed I am not afraid of food right now. Whenever I think of cutting back on food, I start to get afraid of it and restaurants because I might loose my will power. Now I am going, getting whatever I want and not overeating. Everyone else got a cheeseburger and I didn't even want it. I got a salad with chicken instead and order a sample of appetizers. The appetizers had onion rings and chicken and cheese sticks and I ate a couple, ate half my salad . I ate slowly and paused instead of shoveling it in. It probably was the longest time I had ever spent eating food. I probably should have eaten even slower because I still couldn't tell if I was full, but I felt like I had eaten a lot of food. I decided to quit and pushed my plate away. I didn't feel guilt for leaving food on my plate anymore. I don't feel like this is my last meal, anymore. Afterwords we got those strawberries I wanted on Thursday. I also got corn, avocados, apples and lettuce. Around 5:00 p.m. I made a bowl of crushed vanilla wafers, strawberries, and whipped cream. It was a great treat. Coming from a farmers market they tasted like real strawberries. I'm not scared I am going to overeat later tonight. I am really starting to believe that this is working.

I spent the afternoon Googling hypnosis and losing weight. I found stuff from hypnotherapists but not much from individuals who have done it.

Romancing the Food

Today is home school day. I woke up to my son laying next to me working on his school work. We had fallen asleep listening to the tape Sheba had made for me, one ear bud in his ear and one ear bud in mine. Later that day we went to Souplantation. I ate whatever I wanted and could hear Sheba telling me to slow down a bit and I never finished my meal. Later that evening I knew there was a pint of Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Caramel Fudge in the freezer and after thinking about it for two hours, I went and got it. After eating only quarter of the ice cream, I had had enough. I didn't feel bad anymore that I had started eating it in the first place, because I saw I can eat a little and be satisfied. Something that is sooo foreign to me.

What I learned from this is to stop romancing the food. Stop thinking about it for hours and go ahead and eat it. I am afraid of this because once I start I can't stop. Before, starting at 5:00 p.m., everyday, I was grazing like a cow till midnight. Sometimes, no matter how full I was, I still wasn't satisfied. Even after I had eaten 5 Zingers, I wanted one more. Seconds from swallowing the last bite of a Zinger I was already planning to get another one.

I have to trust that hypnotism is showing me how to slow down my eating and not to overeat.

Are all my cravings gone? No. But, I don't feel so out of control and I know it will only get better.

Who am I, who is she and new cravings

I thought I would start by telling you little bit about Sheba and a little bit about me. Sheba is 60 and sole-handedly made her own destination. She has kids and grandkids but no mention of a husband. She is average looking but not so average in smarts and is kind. She hasn't figured out yet that I am several steps ahead of her and may know as much as she does about psychotherapy.

I am 54 years old. I have lived a hard life by my own choosing sometimes. I never gave up though and my kids are what keeps me going. I have managed to amass a little money and a following from writing on the internet. The internet is my salvation, my hobby and a fascination for me. I have finally found my niche in life and subsequently life has come pretty easy for me, but I haven't been able to make it work for my weight. That's why I wonder if what I said yesterday, that by being fat, I can beat up myself, may be the core issue. I still don't know yet.

You are probably wondering how my first day has been. I was busy on the Internet and I finally took a break around 9:30 and had some Kashi. I always feel so healthy when I eat it. As I was pouring the cereal I heard Sheba tell me, "you will take smaller helpings...." It was almost spooky, but I obliged and didn't pour in as much as usual. I headed back to the computer and started shoveling it in and then I heard in my head, "you will eat slowly, slowly." Yep, Sheba, again. I took a break during lunch, cleaned up the house a bit and thought about eating, but didn't know what to eat. Before I knew it was time to go pick up the kids from school. I carpool in the afternoons. On my way to the school on a road I have driven on for the past 3 years, I saw the sign for strawberries for Victoria's Garden and my mouth started to salivate. Strawberries, I got to have some strawberries. I could smell them and see them and I picture a little whip cream on them and I was actually trying to figure out if I had time to get them, before picking up the kids. Then it struck me. I don't like strawberries, what is going on here. I mean they are okay, but I wouldn't go out and buy a basket of them.

Later at home, I waited for my husband to come home and tried to figure out what to cook for dinner. I touched the refrigerator door and I could hear Sheba's voice again, "you want healthy nutritious foods, and I spotted the packaged ears of corn, that been sitting in there for 3 weeks and I wanted them desperately. I wanted salad, too, but it was 4 weeks old and frozen and needed to be thrown out. I mourned the loss and threw it in the trash. What the heck! This was getting weirder and weirder.

is this what hypnotism is all about. You now have a conscience on your shoulder that tells you what to do?

Tonight I will listen to the tape again and start tomorrow.

I've never been to Spain...but I really like the music

Today was my first day of hypnotism...being hypnotized. Hyp.....no.....tized. Strange, strange word. I had a 90 minute meeting with the therapist. That's a long time. She wanted to ask me questions, try to figure out what she could say to help me stop eating.

Earlier that day, I had to go to the dentist. I was a nervous wreck. How many times have I gone over the last several months? Probably equal to how many times I have gone my whole life time. So, anyway, there I was, a nervous wreck, at the dentist and I was staring at an old copy of People when it dawned on me. I think I am fat because it lets me beat up on myself.

The day before the therapist...I need to give her a name...the therapist will get to me after awhile. How about, hmmm can't come up with anything right now, I'll come back to it later. So, the therapist said to me, you got to quit beating up on yourself. My dad would say that to me all the time. I actually think my dad taught me how to do it because he criticizing me, so much, but I am not so clear on that right now.

So, here I am at the therapist....still got to come up with a name....and I told her the story I just told you. She didn't negate it and she didn't validate it either. Totally refreshing approach.

Let me jump to the hypnotizing part. The lights were low and I sat on a chair and she started to talk to me. Sheba! I like that name. We will call her Sheba. I had a headset on, and lights over my eyes and I could hear her voice talking to me through the headphones.

It was a very soothing voice and there was rain or a waterfall in the background, I don't know which one, and birds. I like birds. Before we started we talking about some stuff from my past and just like picking a scab it was bleeding a little bit, so I was super sensitive and nervous. I also, didn't know what to expect, too, so that added to it. I found it hard to listen and sit quiet. Almost at the end, when she was telling me to go down the stairs, I felt weird, like I was watching myself go down them and it was actually happening, but right now I can't remember what I was suppose to be doing while I was going down the stairs.

At the end, she told me to wake up, and I told her that I was having trouble staying on track and that my mind would wander while she was talking. She didn't seem surprised nor told me to correct it. That was nice.

Now the part you are probably wondering about. Did I eat less? That evening, I still felt a little raw inside and if you have done any kind of 12 step program (Hi, Bill W.) then you know what I mean. I picked up my son from school and had a snack with him. I decided to have a coke and cracker and cheese. Later around 6:00 my son brought up dinner for the second time and though I didn't want to mess with it, I couldn't let him starve. I had to go to the store anyway and decided to stop at a fast food joint on the way home. We drove through and I normally would have ordered, just because we were driving through, but I wasn't really interested, until I saw they had a new item called a Seadog. The name got me and I had to have it.

We came home and ate and I ate some of my son's french fries along with my Seadog. Then I got some Zingers. 3 of them and a glass of milk, my usual dessert. I ate two of them and didn't want anymore.

To sum it up, I didn't order french fries or a big hamburger, but had a Seadog and some of my son's french fries, instead. I had 2 Zingers instead of 3 and I am heading to bed and have no desire to go get food before I do.

I will watch watch King of the Hill, and then afterwards I will fall asleep to the CD that Sheba recorded for me. It is a recording of what she said to me in her office today.

Day 1 complete. Oh, yeah, Sheba also put a suggestion that my stomach has shrunk, just like if I had gastric bypass surgery. I had showed her the article and she thought it was clever. I think she was as curious as I, to see if it would help and what the results would be.

Hypnotize me thin

I had read in the Enquirer about a woman that had lost 50 pounds because she had an imaginary operation. Through hypnosis she was told that she had gotten gastric bypass surgery. She was told under hypnosis that she was being wheeled in to the operating room and being put under anesthesia.

When I read this, I just knew that this was the thing for me. I went to the website gmband.com and read more and then realized they were in Spain. I would have to fly to Spain in order to do this. I thought I have no choice, I have to go to Spain. I am so sure that this is going to work for me and so sure that it would save my life.

You see, one of my gums got an abscess. My teeth are rotting away above the gum line. It just snuck up on me. I had not gone to a dentist in 20 years and they had been decaying. I was feeling awful about it because I was worried that a heart attack would sneak up on me.

Then I remembered that there was people that get hypnotized to stop smoking, maybe they do that for eating. I found a place, called and have an appointment tomorrow. I am so sure that this is going to work that I did not hesitate. I did not care about the price, I had to do this to save my life.

I am going to chronicalize what happens to me as I take this journey. I want to give others hope.

I guess I should start by putting a picture of myself, but I can't do that right now, so I am going to put up a drawing that my son did of me. Later on I will put a picture up but I will need at least a couple of months before I will be able to post it. In the meantime, I will tell you how I am doing. The other thing I don't think I can get on a scale either. I honestly think that I will become so down about it that I would not do me any good and probably would set me back a could of months. All will be revealed, though.

My goal is not just the weight, it is also to get off the CPAP machine that I have had for 15 years. 15 years. I can't believe I have been on it that long. I don't hate it, it saved my life, but I want to be free from it. No more getting wrapped up in the hose as I sleep, no more worrying about taking it with me on trips.

Every single waking moment I am reminded of my fatness. Either by trying to tie my shoes, to wiggling into my parachute size underwear to avoiding exercise and people. I want to be just like everybody else. I don't need to be sexy or thin, just normal.